Thursday, November 15, 2007

Come back...


I really don't know how to get this off my chest, but I know I want to, and I think I might need to, so I'll try...

What do you do when someone you love with all your heart is not doing so well inside? When you can't even imagine the entirety of the situation because things are not said out loud...and you're almost too scared to ask those who know? What do you do when your parents are hurting so much...and you feel powerless to do anything about it...? When you feel it was your achrayus to have done more, and maybe things could have been prevented or fixed earlier if you had done more for that someone.....?

Things progress slowly. Sometimes you don't realize what's happening until things get big and scary. And then it's almost too hard to take another breath because the feelings are stuck in your throat...choking...suffocating...

So I swallow. Try to take a steadying breath. Whisper a wordless prayer...wordless, because I have absolutely no idea how to ask for advice, pray for clarity in this, or even cry...

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not really as hard as I think it is...but I'm scared. Nervous. Fearing things spiraling out of control.


I know.

I should ask the One to whom lies all the answers...
I should ask Him...
Only I don't know what to say...


My father just asked me for advice. Me? What do I know...? How could I help...? I told him I'd think about it, and he answered back, "Now, please...as soon as possible..."

Daddy, I just don't know...
I just don't know.......

And...Tatty....Tatty...I don't know. But You do. So please show me...please show us...
We are lost without You...

And that specail person in my life....Hang in there...
I love you so much. More than I can ever express to you...
If there's anything else I can do to help you...take away some of the confusion you must have inside...please, please, please let me...
One day...one day you'll be the most amazing person imaginable...I know it...
Just keep trying.....

11 comments:

pobody's nerfect. said...

and yet again, corner feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders...

you're amazing.
just don't let yourself crack under the pressure.

The Dreamer said...

so heartfelt...

(but saying that someone will be amazing in the future isn't as good as pointing out what's amazing about them now...)

David_on_the_Lake said...

I love this post..
so honest..
sometimes you just have to talk to god..in english..the way youd talk to a friend..
As for that special friend...just be there...be there..wait for it to turn around for her...

halfshared said...

Corner sometimes I feel as you do. I know I must do something but I just don't know what. I don't know who to turn to, to ask, for guidance and for encouragement. And then when I am done racking my brains trying to think of someone human I can talk to, I remember my Big Father in Heaven. And I tell Him about the pain and confusion. I can only say that just recently I was going through a very stressful time and thought that everything would just go downhill, though I didn't know if it can get much worse. But He knows just about how much we can handle and started seeing things turn up almost immediately after. Just hang in there and continue praying.

Scraps said...

It's a very, very hard position to be in...when someone you know and love is hurting, in any way, and you seem to be powerless to fix it. Whether it's a friend, or a family member, it is incredibly painful to have to stand by and watch someone you love suffer.

Sometimes there really, truly, isn't anything you can do except daven.

It's also hard when the people who you thought of as your rocks, your safe place, are suddenly vulnerable. You want to be the child, taken care of...and now the responsibility is resting on your shoulders to be strong for them. It's hard...especially when you're not at your strongest yourself. I know.

Sometimes you're tired of trying to be strong. For yourself, for others. Everything seems out of control, and you don't know what to do. Just remember...take care of yourself, too. You can't be responsible for everyone and everything. It's not all up to you. You do your part, and at the end of the day, you did what you could and you have to daven that Hashem will take care of the rest.

corner point said...

Po--
Thanks...
I'll try...

Dreamer--
True...but he's not reading this anyway...
But it's a good idea. And something that's my achrayus anyway...and something I can do that will help maybe...

David--
I try to talk to Him all day...

And it's not "her"...and he's not a friend....
When your friends are going through hard times, it kills...
But when it's closer to home, there's nowhere go to get away from the feelings...

Half--
I know...I really try...
Thanks...

Scraps--
But...how do you daven?

Scraps said...

Just talk. Talk it out with Him. He's listening...

Even if it means just saying, "Hashem, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do...but You know what's in my heart, and You know what's best...help me."

corner point said...

I feel like I'm plugged up...like I want to spill it all out, say everything, ease all this tension inside me...but somehow when I pick up my siddur or Tehillim, the words just stay stuck in my heart and I just feel worse...

Scraps said...

So don't pick up a siddur or tehillim. Just talk, whisper, cry...let it be your own words. Hashem understands you...

Bas~Melech said...

CP, I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm feeling your pain...

The Dreamer said...

It was meant as advice. you asked for it earlier, didn't you?
:)

Hang in there!