kashering the insides

I sit back on my heels and feel the fridge behind me. Gratefully, I slump against it and let the muscles in my arms and back relax.

I’m exhausted.

And my oven is still disgustingly filthy.



Some halachos are relatively easy to keep. If you were lucky enough to have learned to say brachos as soon as you started to talk, remembering to make them on food can be something you do without any effort. Or something like helping the elderly shopper next to you read the price it says on the label of the can of corn she’s holding. Or being kind and friendly to the woman who runs the cash register at the dry cleaners. Sometimes keeping mitzvos is easy; they're the kind of things that don't take up much energy and you know they're the right thing to do. Then there are those mitzvos that are not just easy, but doing them makes you feel good, too.

And then there are the mitzvos that are tedious and hard. That sap you of physical energy and wear you down. That sometimes you secretly wish you didn’t have to keep.


So I sit here on the floor leaning against the fridge, my arms heavy and aching, my nose burning from inhaling the cleaner I’m using, my knees raw from kneeling on the hard floor for hours, my arms scratched from reaching into too many sharp corners, feeling like there is no end in sight. My oven is hopeless. I’m feeling kind of hopeless, too. (Do I get a new oven? New grates? Do I just keep cleaning? Is there a halacha that permits one to stop cleaning after having cleaned a certain amount of hours? And what in the world is wrong with the couple who lived in this apartment before us?!? How in heaven's name can you live in such a disgusting kitchen???)



And then suddenly I think of my grandmother.

Cleaning the floors of a Polish police station on all fours. Without rubber gloves to protect her hands. Probably with poor cleaning utensils to help her with the job. Scrubbing hard, because her life depended on it.

And I think about my great grandmother, and her mother, and hers. They cleaned, too. They kashered their homes with just rags and cold water and perhaps some soap if they could find it. They toiled for hours over their kitchens.

Why?

Because Hashem said so. So they did.

And I sit here with steel wool and cold grease cleanser and paper towels and Windex and rubber gloves and hot running water. And I complain that it’s too hard to keep a kosher kitchen?


I take a deep breath. I go back to the oven grates that are sitting in the bathtub and scrub as if my life depended on it.


Because does it not?

What does my life depend on if not keeping His Will to the best of my ability?


And I sort of feel proud to have such hardworking women standing behind me. I can almost hear them whispering small words of encouragement. They would be proud of my work, I think. This is hard for me, and I am tackling it with all I have, despite my exhaustion and the niggling thoughts of giving up. As I scrub, I take my mind off the aches and instead feel grateful for the tools He’s given me to help me keep His mitzvos. I whisper my thoughts upward as I work.


Soon…perhaps in one hour, perhaps in many…my oven will be clean.





And I'm beginning to feel a little cleaner, too...

mishap....?

i lost a key.

but

it's okay.

cuz look--

it was so close...................................

imagine i'd lost the enter

....................or the backspace

i'd be stuck with long-winded-paragraphs-going-on-foreverwithoutbreaks

........and lost of misrtakes

so i lost a key

but see?

i'm lucky

..

Mosaica

in..........and..............out....................

........................in..........out........

.................in.......................

...................out......................................

.....sporadic.......................

..................................................halting

.........................frag-

................................mented....

splinters.........

..........................shards

.................................................twinkling

.......................................mockingly.............

...........as I

..lay.....

......................................................pant

..............................................................ing

....how....

.......................................?

You

..You...

........see it...

.............whole

.................streamlined

...............unblemished

............unbroken

.........pure

not.........................as...........

...................I............................................

.........................for me...

................................................strewn

......fragments...

......................glittering...

...........................................razor-sharp....

.....but that's

.............................because...

..I.....................................see it..............

......from......................

..........................eye........................

.........................level.......................

.......................................................as I

.......struggle...........to

.....................stand.

..But You

............see things

...................from clearer

.................................angles.

...........................You see

....................not broken

...............shards of

.......glass...but

mosaics.

.....And......when.........I

...........am............finally....

..able......................to regain..

..................my..........

..............................balance......

................I.....can..

..................start

................to

..........see

.......it

too

.

big

i am
the small one

the stepladder girl
the tiptoe stander
using wooden spoons to get down the cocoa powder
asking attendatns to reach the size small from the top rack
too short to be noticed at the deli checkout counter

i am small
in a too-big world

a fast world
pushy
swift
strong undertow
of ostensible enormity

it's noisy
and big
vast
confusing
distorted
intimidating

but i am light
lithe
agile
i can jump up
climb
if i need to

and i can see the small things
that the big people miss

i may not reach the cocoa
or the highest rack
or the deli counter
...
but i can reach the grass
and the puddles
and the stray lost objects
and the inchworms

and

...the other small people

big, really

in a small way

Chaos theory

To the casual observer (who on that day happened to have been a teacher's assistant candidate, poking her head into my classroom on her interview tour of the school), the room was arranged in various gradations of barely controlled chaos.

As always, when I sense a newcomer to my room, I quickly scan the goings-on around me and try to see what kind of an impression I'm making on my guest.

What was known to our class that day as snacktime must have appeared to have been a three ring circus to Little Miss Petrified-But-Smiling-As-If-She's-Immensely-Enjoying-Herself. About a quarter of the class was sitting in varying stages of decorum, although Dena was still tipping her chair back on two legs, even after her twice-learned painful lesson from yesterday. Rikki was calmly pouring the contents of her water bottle onto the table and her neighbor's skirt (bless you, Mrs. Diamond, for only sending in mini water bottles!!), four other girls were loudly cheering in a sort of game they developed similar to a beer-drinking contest, Ahuva was attempting to fly off her chair, hummingbird-stlyle, Yael was innocently trying to stick her cucumber spear into her unsuspecting friend's right ear, Rochel's fruit cup peaches had flown everywhere, and Devorah and Chedva were running over to tell me that, wonder of woners, Chana Simcha had made her way into the potted plants again and was attempting to submerge her nose in with the radish sprouts (remind me next time that potting soil and five-year-olds do not make good companions, will you??). In fact, most of the children were either being very loud or very active or very sneaky, but besides for the lovely darling in the plants, I was not worried.

The assistant-to-be hopeful stood by the door, looking slightly overwhelmed. First taking in the entire scene of flying children, and then directing her attention to each individual commotion, I could see her gulp and almost heard her thoughts screaming, "Will my class be like this too?? This is nuts!! I can't do something like this...." The director, well familiar by now with my little brood, just smiled knowingly at me and proceeded to usher the poor girl down the hall to a (thankfully for her) much more dignified and rather dull class. I chuckled and turned back to my children.

AsI surveyed the classroom once more, I tried to picture purely what she saw: Children being very loud, leaving their seats, jumping up and down, making trouble and messes and who knows what. And to be very honest, that's exactly what was going on.

But things were really very, very different from what she perceived. Because although it seemed to any outsider like unrestrained chaos, there was in fact a very strong backbone of stability and mutual understanding in my class even at the exact moment that they looked so positively flying. I've spent a year with my children, and as a result of observing them day after day in countless situations and experiences, I've come to understand each child with a comprehension that even allows me to predict what they will do next. I know each one's needs and wants, what she will respond to, how she will cope when X happens, and I know that I have control over the classroom. I know that when I say, "Girls, guess what time it is?" they will automatically all jump up and put their garbage in the garbage can and wipe up their messes and come on to the carpet. And that's exactly what they did on that day, as they do every day. At this point of the year, I allow them to be a bit more silly than they were in the beginning, to sing a little louder and come out of their seats more and even do a little bit of harmless trouble for creativity's sake, and that's because I know them so well, and they in turn know me so well, that it's okay at this point. No, not just okay, but good for them. And good for me. Good for their development and happiness and love of school and of life...

And then, with the slowly dawning realization that sometimes creeps up on you when you're not particularly looking for it, I became conscious of the fact that I had just experienced one of the most essential life lessons without even putting my mind to it. On that day my classroom was not just a place for children to learn; it also turned out to be (to the ever-esoterically-inclined characters like myself) a small-scale model of the School where all of us learn our Lessons.

So often we observe what happens around us, and it seems to us like utter pandemonium. We see untold pain, confusion, suffering, horrific events, frightening accounts of accidents, abuse, mass destruction...and we ourselves often stumble around blindly, not understanding or knowing why or how or who or when... To the observers, there is no design, no plan that this is all following. It is simply nonsensical and irrational and in a state of acute disorder.

But things are really very, very different from what we perceive. There is a Plan. There is Someone directing all of this. This is not chaos, but rather a finely orchestrated and executed design which we find ourselves living through. He knows us so well, in fact better than we even know ourselves, understanding exactly what's good for us and what's not. And He will always make sure that we are safe and well cared for and learning in the optimum environments that we can.


And so so often, whether we find ourselves either as the student teacher observing from afar, or as a child in the class experiencing it firsthand, we will look around and say "This is nuts! I can't do this!!..." But we can. Because there is the knowledge that we can just look to the Morah and remind ourselves that she really knows what she's doing by now. That she really has everything under control. That she's doing everything in her power to ensure the best learning and growing experience for her students. That there is a security and stability even within the seemingly confusing environment.



Life can be confusing. Very, very confusing. But I've learned that I'm sent my messages at exactly the time I need to hear them. My G-d is so good to me...

I was blessed with a very productive and growth-filled year. Thank you, my precious little teachers, for helping me learn so much.....

Oh, cuties!!.......you will be so missed...

Snowglobes

It's a bright sunny spring day. My friend and I walk into Sharper Image. She makes a beeline to the massage chairs, deposits her bags unceremoniously on the floor next to the biggest, softest, black leather chair, collapses into its silky depths, and gives a sigh of relief that seems to be audible throughout the store. Smiling inwardly, I steer myself in the other direction, towards the shelves of small gadgets. No massage chairs for me. I won't waste my time now on stuff like that when there is tantalizingly uncharted territory to claim...

After the first few minutes of browsing mildly through the latest utility knives, alarm clocks, golf ball retrievers (?!), ipod speakers, 15 foot tree pruners, and the like, my eye ironically settles on something so unremarkable, I wonder why it has caught my attention. Curous, I walk closer to the corner shelf, crouch down, and inspect my find. It seems to be a snowglobe. A bit more oblong than the usual spherical shape, flat on the bottom where it rests on the shelf, filled with water and miniature items. But something is wrong. It isn't pretty. Far from, actually. Tiny particles of dust or debris hang suspended in the water, an algae covered, stiff, spiky plant is submerged in the flakes that cover the bottom of the globe, and the the off-colored flakes themselves are of the last things remimiscent of snow. Weird... In Sharper Image?..... There's gotta be some kind of shtick here...

I pick up the globe, relishing its weighted balance. In a smooth snowglobe-y motion, I swirl it upside down and rightside up. But...instead of the glidey swoosh of the flakes that usually happens in normal snowglobes, this snowglobe goes... CLUNK

Huh?

Apparently this is no snowglobe.

I put down the orb, and only then do I notice the modest, but quite noticeable (why hadn't I seen it before?...) note taped on the shelf just underneath my "snowglobe":

"Please Don't Disturb Our Ecosystem"

Oh my. And I had succeeded in doing just that, apparently.

I peer closer. The water is now quite full of particles, but now they are whirling tiredly instead of just suspended. The plant is askew, swaying slightly, tails of algae undulating in the swirling current. The things I had thought of as dirty flakes turn out to be gravel, and--goodness!--there are little living beings swimming here too! Teeny tiny shrimp-like fishy things, and seemingly terrified from the rate and direction they're swimming. Yikes. Disturb the ecosystem I definitely have just done.

Feeling oddly foolish and more than just a bit bad for my poor pertrified friends, I glance around to see if anyone has seen me and my blatant misdeed. Thankfully, most of the other patrons are enraptured by other, more exciting items than ecosystems. I breathe a sigh of relief quite a few decibel levels lower than my friend's, and glide away from the scene of the crime.

Over on the far side of the store, I rest my elbows on a shelf of electric toothbrushes and let my thougths swirl over me like dancing white flakes. But it's only when I come home much later and stand in front of the sink with my own (manual) toothbrush in hand, that the flurry seems to settle, and in doing so, bring thoughts into sharp relief suspended in the globe of my mind.

My life is chock-full of snowglobes.

We all have our own little orbs, neat little packages of plexiglass, filled with all kinds of interesting goodies. For the most part, our snowglobes have similar contents, but each individual's contains something--or multiple things--that makes it special and unique. Snowglobes are interesting. They're made to be. They're meant to attract attention, to call out to us, to beckon to us, for us to notice and take interest in and learn about and cherish......but they also come with neat little notices posted in plain sight right near them, warning us to be careful. And if you act like I did, being curious and trying to learn more and be helpful without remembering to have a careful look around first, you run the risk of missing the signs. And the stakes are quite high. Because it's more than just algae and fish that are disturbed when we're dealing thoughtlessly with the snowglobes in our lives...

Pay attention.

Look. See the sign? This is a whole world I'm touching now--a real, living, breathing, thriving ecosystem. Careful....

Neshamos beckon. Go, help.

But handle with care.

A shluffie meme

I was debating whether to post this or not, but then I thought, "Eh, why not?" so I decided eh, why not... (If you get that, it was meant for you :-P)

Thanks, Po, for tagging me :-)

1. How much sleep do you get on an average night?

About 5 hours or less on a weekday, up to 10 on those amazing long Friday nights, and about 3-7 on Motzaei Shabbos

2. Is that enough sleep for you?

I'm one of those oddballs who function perfectly on progressively less and less sleep. Sometimes I crash after a few weeks, sometimes I don't. Hey, surprises are exciting!

3. At what time do you normally go to sleep and wake up?

Roughly 1:30 am to 6:30 am

4. Do you usually fall asleep right away or have trouble?

Depends. Most nights I go out pretty fast, but not always. And it's annoying because it's those times that I'm exhausted that I often lay there for hours...wondering how I'm ever going to fall asleep...which of course helps me stay awake longer.....

5. What size bed do you have?

Uh....size 6? :-P I honestly have no clue. Full? Twin? All I know is that it's bigger than your standard camp-size mattress. And I only take up about a third of it

6. How many pillows do you use?

One fairly flat, fairly springy one

7. In what position do you sleep?

Start off on my left side, curled up, my hands bent at the wrists curled tightly under my chin, and wake up on my right side with my hands usually still around there. The left-to-right switch took a bit of conscious training, but according to the Rambam it's a healthy practice.

8. Do you need it to be quiet or dark to sleep?

Yes, both, but once I'm sleeping, I'm usually out cold. I've been known to sleep through the biggest storms in 30 years and earsplitting fire alarms and my friend's snoring (which has been known to wake the dead, incidentally...)

9. Do you use earplugs or an eye mask?

Such desperate measures? It's only sleep, remember... :-P (Earplugs? ouch...)

10. Have you ever used a sleeping aid long-term?

Nope. In fact, I think those OTC sleep aid tylenol-type medications make me stay up longer. Dunno why, but when I try taking them to help me fall asleep faster, my heart feels like I've just been running. Odd... Any insight into that, anyone?

11. Do you use headgear, a night retainer, or a biteplate?

Retainers, upper and lower, just about every night. I should mention that I got my braces off in the sixth grade :-)

12. What do you normally wear to bed?

Pajama pants, long sleeve t-shirt, skirt (don't ask...looong story. No, I wasn't brainwashed by my seminary...), and sometimes socks until I'm ready to fall asleep.

13. Do you frequently fall asleep in your clothing?

Never. Maybe happened like once in sem for a nap late at night, but I firmly believe in pajamas and clean teeth and Shema.

14. Do you prefer a heavy or light blanket?

I get too hot under heavy blankets, but I have one that's thin but still pleasantly weighted. Us sensory-issued people appreciate abundant but not overwhelming proprioceptive input :-D

15. Do you prefer warm or cool PJs?

Cool! I'd take freezing over warm any day. In fact, as I type this, my hands are icy. Ahh...bliss...

16. Do you wear socks to bed?

On occasion. I need to feel cool, though, so I usually take 'em off before I'm ready to go to sleep. (Might as well stick this in on the topic of cool: I sleep with a clip-on fan on my bed even in the dead of winter. Yeah, it's okay if you're confused. Most people don't get that :-D)

17. What is your bedtime routine?

Pajamas, teeth, face, exerpts from various books/seforim, tehillim if I hadn't managed to finish it during the day, Shema, and g'nite wishes to any family members still up. (The latter doesn't happen every night...)

18. Do you listen to music when you’re falling asleep?

Only if it's noisy in the room and I can't fall asleep cuz of it or if I'm thinking too much and just need something distracting to help me fall asleep.

19. Have you sucked your thumb in recent years?

Ummm...do pinkie toes count? :-P And anyway, who needs thumbs when you have spectacular corners? (For clarification, feel free to ask :-D)

20. Do you still sleep with your childhood blankie/teddy?

No. The teddy is on a shelf, and I honestly wish I still had Blankety. Yellow, satin-edged, dog-eared, pilly thing. Gosh, I miss him...

21. Do you snore?

No, thankfully. Though I've been around plenty of snorers, and it's probably worse to sleep across from one than be one yourself...

22. Do you sleeptalk or sleepwalk?

I've been told I sleeptalk. More like sleep-mumble, but I'm petrified that one day I'm gonna yell out that I really DO hate so-and-so, and I really DID steal that whatever...gulp...

23. Do you wake up to use the bathroom often?

Not usually. Would you like to know my showering schedule now, too?

24. What things inhabit your bed aside from a blanket and pillow?

Ahh, I was waiting for this question! :-D At any given point I may have some or most of the following: a stack of about 8 or 9 books I'm in the middle of (yes, I tend to read many many at once. One at a time is too boring. A book for each mood or literary preference, y'know?), 2 extra blankets, a belt from an old jacket that makes rather awe-inspiring corners, a mostly used tissue box, an ipod, a forensic psych textbook, a bottle of hand cream, a hairbrush, my phone charger, a pair or two of socks, and a dictionary. Good thing I only take up that 1/3rd of the bed, eh? :-P

25. What kind of alarm clock do you use?

Clock radio. Wake up to whatever's on at the time my alarm rings. Used to be Spanish radio, but when I started understanding what they were saying, I realized enough was enough... Nowadays it's usually some political comment or sports news. Unfortunately nothing to jump out of bed for...

26. Do you ever wake up before your alarm?

What, at 6:15?! No!!

27. Do you frequently take naps?

I only fargin myself to some Oneg Shabbos. Naps throw me off schedule by a few hours, and I can't afford to sleep much less on weekdays, can I?

28. Have you ever slept ‘under the stars’?

Oh, the wonders of the great outdoors! Just about the only thing I don't like about sleeping outside is the dew that accumulates at about 4 am.

29. Can you fall asleep on a bus, train, or airplane?

Bus or train, no way! I don't think I'd be able to if I knew I had a stop to make. I sometimes sleep on airplanes, but the best are long car rides. The rhythmic rocking and bumping make for such a comforting sleep...

30. Have you ever fallen asleep and missed your stop?

Can't remember ever, no...

31. Over the course of a lifetime, the average person swallows six spiders in his/her sleep. How many do you think you're up to?

Ok, that's utterly gross. I rarely sleep with my mouth open (unless I have a killer cold or something) so I doubt I've swallowed any. But I know bugs taste kinda sweet (thanks to their jointed chitinous appendages), so I'm not sure how bad the experience would be. Except for the halacha fallout....

This was fun! Okay...I tag whoever reads this and hasn't been tagged yet. Sorry...haven't been around blurking much, so I don't really know who's done this yet and who hasn't.

If anyone can beat my #24, I think I should like to take you out for ice cream :-D