Thursday, August 30, 2012


My baby is burning with fever.
He whimpers, restless…
I try everything I know
To soothe him, comfort him
Ease his pain
But I am helpless.

He reaches out to me, desperately
Pulls me close
Then pushes me away
Lies down
Gets back up
Picks up toys and puts them down
He doesn’t know what he wants…
Just that the pain should go away

I stand, holding him close
In his dark room
My mind is sluggish
I have been up far too long..
But he needs me,
So I am here…

His head is heavy,
Limp on my shoulder
His face nestled into the hollow of my neck
His skin, like coals
Burns mine

And he cries. 
And I cannot console him.

And then I understand
Maybe a little bit better….

I think of the parent
The Tatty
Who watches
While His beloved children are burning
Burning up
With baseless hate
And with self destruction
And with emptiness

And we cry
Whimper, restless…
Call out for comfort,
To be soothed
For this Pain to lessen

But we cannot be consoled.
And we keep crying…

We reach out, desperately
We pull Him close
And then push Him away
We fall
We get back up
We try and distract
And we realize we can’t..
We don’t even know what we want
Just…that the pain…should go…away…

But He stands
Holding us
In this dark, dark room.
It is too late; things have stopped making sense
But we need Him
Oh, how we need Him
And He is there…


Today my baby woke up
With a watery smile,
His skin cool to the touch

I whisper my quiet Thanks upward
And move on to start my day… 

Oh, for the day
To be free of this fire

May it come speedily in our days…

Sunday, August 12, 2012


I never thought of myself as brave

I’m just a regular kinda person

I’m not afraid of bugs, or dogs, or heights
Or blood, or flying, or speaking up in public
But I never saw myself as particularly brave

I wonder…
Would I drop everything and run
into a blazing building to save a child?
I’d like to think so, but if I had to be honest
I think I’m the type to freeze up and just stand there staring, horrified,
While others rush around helping and doing and saving

Would I hold onto my beliefs and affirm my trust in G-d
And rather be burned by the stake than denounce my faith?
I wish I could give a resounding YES…
But how could I know that for sure?

Would I be willing to donate a kidney
       to a complete stranger?
Would I have the courage to enter the gas chambers with my head held high,
       still believing in His goodness?
Would I make the split-second decision to run in front of a truck
       to save a little child?
Would I behave like the people on Flight 93
       if I found myself faced with a terrorist?
Would I act like my grandfather did
       as he ran from the Nazis?


I have never been tested in such big ways.


I’ve been told that I’m brave.
That facing my fears and doing what needs to be done
       is brave

That by taking up my tiny dagger against the huge and terrifying monster…
And not hiding from myself
And not lying to myself
And taking that leap into the abyss
And trusting that this fall is what needs to be done…

And believing that He knows what’s best for me
And loves me
And won’t let me die…

And putting all my energy and strength and faith and sweat and blood and tears
Into this task that seems so incredibly impossible…

And waking up every morning with the decision to keep doing this…

And still moving forward
With a smile
And a thin but unwavering song woven tightly around my heart
Even when life comes again to smack me in the face…

………That by doing all this………

I am being